wishful-thinking...

that's silly for you...

2012-01-15T23:12:00.001+08:00

the thing about relationship when it is over..
it is not when either one is still waiting..
the other want is still considering..

the thing about being in a relationship..
it is wavering when one is contemplating..
the other is keen..

the thing that i would like to say in actual fact..
but i can't towards you is...

i miss you. i am touched by your gesture and your unconditional love.
you can't love two persons at one time but you can have two occupied your heart..
i still rmbed the decision i made back in 2006 why i chose you..
and i nvr did forget it..
in all, you changed the course..
indeed,i was hurt and it still sting thinking how you ended things..

i am proud of your achievements today.. i am glad to be a part of it..
afterall, you did endure the nagging and frustration from me..
i hope you well and will continue to be successful..

i dunno what will happen in future..
all i know now that i can nvr bear to hurt anyone, esp not my bf..
because he dun deserve it..
and i'm trying not to hurt you as well..
maybe it's his turn that i can help to change for him to be a better person..

i don't want you to wait as i'm not worth it..
i don't want you to waste your time..
and definitely you hurting should you wait in vain..
i am nvr lucky in love.. always making mistake.
let me go thru this on my own..

i am happy to have met n noe you..
and i too wish we could turn back time..

but now is now, and i can only let it be..

be well and be happy. if we are fated, i'll still be here..
always been yours.

xxx

just a dream...

2011-10-22T02:53:00.000+08:00

"life's an enigma...the more you try to find out, the more you will get hurt...

I never intend to find out.. Realization hit me bits and pieces..

Like I just realized all this while it is there in front of me,
When all this while I have been dreaming about it...

Life works in many ways..
What you wanted in life need not be what you need in life..
The thing I dreamt about.. A lot...
I realized it's what I really want but just could not connect to it..

And the thing I yearn so much...
Came back but it just left me stumped...

Lastly the thing I have...
Is not what it seem..

Maybe, if I were to combine the things that are present now..
Maybe, it'll be another miracle..

As for now, I'm blessed..

Cherish while it lasts..

"it was just a dream.. That just gotta let it be.

there's giving up in an enigma way of love.

2011-05-13T02:11:00.000+08:00

i thought it was over and that i have moved on.
but when you pulled a stunt that was similiar in the past..
it just haunted me and breaks me into pieces.

if it's enigma, if there's no possiblity..
then why in heaven's name are you being considerate, sugar?
you know there can never be questions.
whatever happened to cherish while it lasts?
you know i am not being passive..
but somehow, i wish you know how hard i reminded myself
every single fucking day that i am thinking of you.. reminding me that
"and married one is married...

i feel your love. feel it not.
i just know you made me feel loved and cherished.

love is a riddle. life is a maze.

All messed up and tangled...

2011-04-08T23:17:00.000+08:00

If you being considerate,
Would you want me to be too?
Or would you rather i take the initiative..
You kept to your words..
But you forgot that i didn't called it quit..

I nvr did and nvr will..
But who am i kidding?
Whatever happened to while it lasts?
We both knew..
The connection made it damn crystal clear..
But i wanna know why..
Why do what you do..
Does it make you feel better?
Or am i hurting you?

These i won't know..
And i won't ask..

I'm still holding on to the finest thread
Though you have given the slightest hint to
Have me letting go.

I can't.. Because enigma makes things happened
Untimely..

Who knew.. In the end.

i.magine

2011-01-17T22:26:00.000+08:00

It's a brand new year and in my life, there's a theme for every year..
I remembered 2009 being lucky, 2010 with lots of miracles..
And i've got strong feelings 2011 will be a year for me, myself and i..

I've taken a very long absence from love
Cause i've loved and lost and be loved..
And love in an enigma way..

I've also taken a very long leave from attahments..
I'm past caring..

Nevertheless, i am still me.. Yet passive and ignorant..
Learnt from my very first love whom i adore and shall always love..

I have resolutions and i am gonna achieve it like i dd last year..
But i know it's not gonna be a smooth road especially for a shopaholic..
But i know i will at least try and give my all..

"somewhere past the setting sun.. - roadkill.

How could you..

2010-12-02T21:53:00.000+08:00

How could you heartlessly treated me that for almost a year..
How could you conveniently enter my life just because you're afraid..
How could you wasted the effort and carry on..

Knowing that it is forbidden..
It wasn't even right.. To begin with..
It's enigma, platonic..
Why?

Fuck knows why.
I should have just brush it off and dig up the past..
I should have just keep my fucking mouth shut and not ask..
Why did it have to be true..

Like a fool, why didn't i realise it.

Finally, a hurt uh?
I thot it was one sided..
My heart is breaking..
I don't understand why is it breaking..
I wish.. I just wish i could be selfish just for once..
But, i know i can never do that..
I can never build happiness at the expense of the others..

All this years, this time..
The connection was true..
It's breaking and it's hurting..
And i knew.. I knew of the consequences if i were to ask n get thr answers..
I knew and i still did it..
Because, much as i don't want to let go..
I have to.. I Lied to let go..

My heart is breaking..

"enigma..

=)

2010-11-26T15:30:00.000+08:00

and so they say "people come and go...

i have this mixture of feelings inside me that i dunno exactly what it's about.
2010 is coming to an end. and i wonder if all my miracles are going too.

i am afraid but at the same time i am thankful for it happened.
i'm gonna try to sort my feelings bits by bits.. and hope at the end of this entry,
i felt much better than confuse.. and lost.. and yet again, numb.

i have started a new career path on 9th November.
things are way different. i am not sure if i am happy but i know why i chose this path, this job.
and i pray that things will turn out to be better if not worse.
then, there was this guy that left an impact on the first meeting.
somehow, there is no significant but my heart tell otherwise.
but then again, who am i kidding...
heart always changed and it's your mind that matters.
therefore, if he's significant, do i be patient or brush it off.
should i, for once, follow my heart or stick to the mind..
but then again, my heart is also telling me it's another forbidden.
so, in conclusion to work, work smart, be busy, earn money, learn well and
hopefully, this is my career for success..

there always loved ones that willingly occupied my time with their presence..
and i always feel comfort and happy..
but yet, i wonder why i still feel that emptiness.
as though something is missing.. but yet at the same time,
it's always fulfilling when i spent time with them..
have i desolate myself from them.. that whenever we spent time, it's just my presence and not my heart..
but how could i be so heartless? is the numb consuming me that much?..
i love every single one of them so much.. and really grateful for their presence in my life..
and i dun wish the scar of losing loved one scare me.. that i am turning this way..
or it's just simply old me of being suppressed.
when will i ever learn to open up myself..

he is finally gone.. without a trace.
the only feeling out of this is sadness.
not sad cause he's gone.. just sad that happy time is over.
i won't deny that i am missing him.. alot in fact.
but i know time will heal. and i am still waiting for time to heal slowly..
it is healing.. and soon everything will fade.. he will fade..
but somehow, it is still sad, isn't it?

but one thing never change about me.. i mean i know alot nvr change abt me..
the one thing is being a carefree person. maybe carefree person is empty.
i'm not exactly sure if what i am doing is wrong..
but all i know is that it's fun, happy and peace.
and because it's not going to last too.

i think every thing is temporary to me..
but i long for something permanent.
that is called my own.

can i please have another miracle that is permanent?

till then.

now, i feel sad. but i know i will be fine. always will be.

happened.

2010-10-19T18:11:00.000+08:00

one miracle happened and gone.
but another new miracle awaits me on 9th November 2010.

this time i won't say my heart is breaking cause it's not.
i just felt the sadness and the missingness.
somehow, i am thankful for his way of lingering on..
yet gently letting go.
thankful for giving in to my request of the way i want things to end.

if i have the chance, i would simply say...
thank you for the beautiful moments.

=) littraven.

i told you so?

2010-09-20T20:45:00.000+08:00

reality knocked on my door.
maybe it didn't knock hard enough to wake me up.

i knew back then this would happened.
i won't say i am not prepared because i am.
just that i wish it to be longer.

the moments we had were beautiful.
but i know good things don't last long.

so, therefore.
i am willing to let it go.
time for me to move ahead and wake up the beautiful things in my life.
the reality.

for what it's worth, it happened.
and that's all it matters.

=)

difference.

2010-08-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

my mind is running like nobody business.
somehow i wish it was my legs that are running.
at least i'm losing some overdue fats.

i am not in the mood to type, to pour out thoughts.
i just felt that i need to do so to make myself feel better.
pour out the baggage so i feel lighter with no burden.

i am amazed how similar can two person be and yet,
nothing is being understood... or comprehend.

i wonder and questions keep popping out.
if they were popcorns, i would be enjoying them with a movie.

no, i got no sense of humour.
and i am just typing randomly to let go of my thoughts.
and somehow i wish i know what are my thoughts.
they are running madly and jumbling up my brain system.
that it hurts. it causes migraines. aches.

aching through the heart.

i felt my heart breaking today.
and nothing seem to matter.
am i hurting again?
am i not learning any lessons?
are past mistakes just a passing dummy in my life?

i guessed, i couldn't care less.
sometimes i felt that whenever friends confide in me,
they felt the distance in me.
yet, i feel otherwise.

to you.
i guessed i am tired of guessing your thoughts.
i guessed i don't care anymore.
but somehow, it isn't easy letting it be.
and i won't try anymore.
i'm tired of trying at the wrong time
no matter how much you appreciated it.
but somehow deep inside, i felt that you dun even care.
i sensed that we are alike in so many ways.
and yet again, senses can be wrong.
if it is, then, i'll stop chasing the ghost.

forget abt telling me something.
because it doesn't interest me anymore.

do we know where we are heading?
if we don't, can we just treasure the moments we have like there's no tomorrow.
i am tired of playing guessing and mind games.
i have too much of it that it fucked my mind off.

can we just pretend nothing and create a fantasy.
if there's no gurantee of our love..

i'll wake up when you're gone.
and i will still daydream. because that is who i am.

"dream is imagination, created or not..
it's not something you have to achieve..

littraven.
am i still beating around bush? =D

forgotten.

2010-06-27T23:07:00.002+08:00

(i've just been plain lazy to change my blogskin =D)

i have got my feelings back.
i guessed i needed to ride a roller coaster full of emotions to get it back.
honestly speaking, i rather not have it back.
feeling numb has been secure and safe.
but it made me ignorant to my surrounding..
in the process, hurting my loved ones.

"i rather hurt than feels nothing at all"

right now, at this instance..
i am just feeling alot curious than ever.
curiousity kills the cat.
i'm not sure how curiousity came about.
but i do know that it's the result of unanswered question.

"never question something of which you are afraid of the answers"

and not only i'm curious.. i'm afraid.
therefore, i leave it to that.
it doesn't matters.
what matters most,...

simply me with happiness.

getting my feelings back.
means i'm feeling the happiness and contented in my life.
all the happenings.
there's ups and downs. but i prefer to focus on the ups.
because i know i deserve the happiness.

and, i have so-called attained the ability to not think things.
no more bothering thoughts.
for now, it shall be curiousity and then.. forgotten.

to hell with cheers and jeers..
littraven.

"so tell me something.. tell me something that has never been said before..
tell me lies. tell me the truth.
tell me something that is better left unsaid.
tell me something hurting.
just tell me. because i am not hearing anything.
the things you said is all on the surfaces...
which i'm clearly aware it's something said before repeatedly.
so, tell me something. something that is just out of the ordinary.
i knew. your something means nothing.
because there isn't simply anything.

if i were to apologise everytime you said something..
sorry would have been meaningless.
so meaningless like all the somethings you said.

some things are better left unsaid.
likewise, it's better left unbelieved.

so, forgotten. if it's worth remembering, then it was never lies.
to each his own.. and two to play a game.

if you knew deep inside me like a book.
if you knew why.. and if you knew.

if there isn't if, i'll tell you why and all."

forgotten. now.

it takes miracle.. and alot of numbness.

2010-05-13T21:22:00.002+08:00

miracle do happens.
and when it happened, it left you renderly speechless.
it left you thinking and wondering...
if it really happened.

i do not know why. but miracles happened in my life.
i remembered discreetly devising sth in my brain that's impossible ever to achieve..
to come true.

but it did.
maybe it's miracle.

i guessed things just happened in your life out of the blue.
i am still wondering and maybe i won't get an answer out of it.

i asked for strength to get on and move on with life.
and i got numbness.
numbness so great that i dun feel any emotions.
i am just like a lost wanderer following wherever the wind blows.
i am so numb that when i laughed, i dun feel happy.. when i cried, i dun feel sad.
all i ever felt was emptiness in my heart.
emptiness and numbness that kept me writing and typing..
i don't feel anything.

i am not complaining. i just wished that i could at least feel happy and contented.
for all that has been happening in my life.. i wish to be happy and contented about it.

i know these miracles won't last long.
but for what it's worth, it happened.
and for that, i am grateful and thankful.

years goes on.. yet, i refuse to open up to others.

=) littraven...

"i guessed i rather feel hurt than nothing at all"
"because she feels so lost that she wanders off somewhere far that feeds her numbness..."

already gone.

2010-03-24T21:58:00.003+08:00

if only i knew..

if i know, i would be heartless..
i would let my love fades..
i would just listen to my mind,,

if i know, i will be already gone.
i would not make a stupid mistake.

if i know, i would not have let go of someone much more precious to me.
if i know, i would not let myself be hurt, fall hard..

my heart is breaking.
where is all the love you had..
if you love me, this would not have happened no matter what fate had in store for us.
because at the end of the day, we made the decisions.
why do we made decision that hurts..
if it really hurts you, why do you bent on hurting me more?

my heart is breaking..
because i can never believe the guy you had once been, changed overnight to be so heartless.
i can never know how could you ever do this to me..
and if really, your love fades because of another..
then it really is fate..

it hurts. and it's all because of my own stupidity.
i have never really learn my lesson.

it hurts. knowing that the guy that professed his love for you everyday..
can just give you up in one day, not even giving me a chance..
what did i ever do wrong to deserve this?

Allah is great. But never will He hurts us this way.

My heart is breaking.
if you love me, you will be there like you said you would.
nevermind that you are heartless, why would you lie..
it hurts..

My heart is breaking.
and it hurts.
and all i am asking is why?

if only i knew.. i'll be already gone...

maybe it's a merry christmas..

2009-12-22T19:52:00.002+08:00

so, it's reaching the end of the year..
and im still not completing my 2009 resolution.
too much too many procrastinating..
or is it simply time is passing too fast.. too drastic..

and not forgetting, getting a year older again.. oh no..
is it too early for me to think of biological clock ticking.. heehee

alright.. that's lame and rubbish..

so, a brief update in my life..

i learnt that being in-charge for the first time to experienced colleagues is reallyx2 hard.
too many frictions, too much complication..
im left with confusion and lost..
and they started to slip by without giving me any support.
sometimes, i wonder is it my fault..
that i don't do enough..
that i don't instruct enough
that i don't help enough..
then if that the case, why am i feeling exhausted and stress everytime for work..
why is that i got so much on my plate that i could not even finish it..
simply because i did.. i tried my very best as a leader..
to settle cocked-up problems..
answer the actions that were put up inappropriately..
or is that not enough and not noticed..

i don't understand.. i really sincerely truthfully do not understand.
i guessed life's really unfair.

then, there's this part of me that is so spendthrift.
money is not paper that you can waste..
hell, you can't even waste paper in order to save the trees.
tsk tsk.

and baby boy is in camp, feeling so stress out so work out.
im so proud of him for achieving so much. =D

last update..
the only glue or rather super glue to my whole family left us on 21st October 2009.
yep, my grandmother passed away due to old age.
i still can't believe that she's gone since she's always been there in every single family gathering..
but i guessed life move on.. people come and go..

=)
till then, merry christmas and a happy new year..
may happiness be around always.

cheers,
Littraven..

long time ago

2009-11-13T17:48:00.002+08:00

well, i have been fine and safe and happy. and stress.

and i'm still content with my life.

Cheers,
Littraven..

p.s get rid of your life worries by thinking of some people much worse than you. It will make you realise that you're better off and you will stop thinking and enjoy life.

=) p.s i miss my girlfriends.

love my boyfriend.

such a noob.

2009-08-05T17:04:00.003+08:00

i'm such a noob that i even forget the website to log in and type my blog.

and it has been dead for months just like the typist.

well, one word sum it all up...

lazy lazy lazy...

my life's been fine..

ever since my work buddy resigned,

workload increase. responsibility increase.

and finally my pay increase!!!

i miss my girlfriends. and i only get to spend time with so funny.

which i totally enjoy.. she's still as clumsy as ever.. =X and the other...

one busy with training. one busy with figuring out her life.

and one typing this.. have no idea what install for her future.

about my pet hamster..

dumble white succumbed to old age on third june.

i miss him alot lots.. sigh.

then there's naf naf white.

i'm too lazy to upload her picture..

she's a neurotic hamster who think her fur is expensive for me to touch..

tsk tsk.

and hari raya is in a month time.. or so. =P

heh..

well, dat's all im typing..

afterall im on mc today.

saw alot of hunks, and therefore sore eyes!

ciao.

no lacking of sleeping.

2009-05-05T20:25:00.003+08:00

i just wish, for one moment in my life..

i would wake up and actually my life is filled with peace.

all i ever wanted...

was a peace of mind..

desire for peace.

is it so difficult?

why am i always shutting my mouth at the wrong person...
and opening up at the wrong time..

sigh. =(

what do you know?

2009-02-04T22:04:00.002+08:00

"when a woman who has so much to say, says nothing, her silence can be deafening..."

is it in me or am i just too ignorant?
i'm not someone i used to be anymore, i think.
i'm just someone with shadow to follow.
waiting for someone to lead me wherever.

every decision made has to be thought twice.
and not ended up making it.

i've a life. and i'm living it.
but i don't feel that way. not anymore.

i'm so stuck in a box that i can't move about.
i can't even move my mouth to utter words.
to voice out. to reach out.
to get out of the box.

i may think right but sometimes the thinking just prove me wrong.
i don't wish to use the word 'tired'.
but that's what i'm feeling.

i'm tired. i just want a free mind.
a care free life.

i'm tired. i'm tired of shutting my mouth till my head hurts.
i'm tired of jamming the words in my mind.

why..

i'm just a human. not a puppet. not a toy.
a human with lots of feelings. lots of emotions.
but it made me numb, and heartless.

i'm tired of jumbling my words.
i don't wish to endure it anymore.

finally, a tear.

littraven.

=) i still can manage a smile.

past is gone.

2009-01-10T21:50:00.003+08:00

happy new year!!

or am i too late for that?

heh =D

people have resolutions..

i want it too.

in fact i have five.

i want a car.

i want liquid asset in my bank

i want to go back praying again

i need to lead healthy lifestyle.

and i have to, have to cut down on the sticks.

isn't that cool or wad.. lots of resolutions..

before i add on.
let me present you the ever-seeking-attention hamster...

dumble white.

alright. he'll be happy his photos in the internet.
we miss mumble, don't we?

hmm, finally get to taste what 13 mths bonus is like.

freaking great.

i miss my girlfriends.. =)

work has come to hell-ing part..

it's so freakish to see people lick the boss's shoe..

including me, just to save my ass..

i'm waiting for hell to be over..

i have not started on a new year topic..

well, for starters.. the past is gone.. yet again.

i'm a past-person.. always yearning to turn back time..

the past has been incredible for me.

there's up and down.. like duuh!

life has been safe and peace and simple and easy.

i think i have lost my inspiration to type together with my past.

my brain dead.

well, i think i know the reason.

so long then.

littraven.

"here's to you and here's to me

friends may we always be..

but if we ever disagree..

to hell with you.. and

cheers to me!"

happy new year and

hope all is well.

mundane stuff.

2008-12-18T20:20:00.004+08:00

i've no desire to type.

as i'm bored. i'm typing.

mommy and lil brother's away to norway..

which i'm suppose to go but tied down with work.

sigh.. *wanna play snow, and make snowman and throw snow at people.. so fun*

and.. on thirteenth of december two thousands and eight,

mumble succumbed to cancer.
she's been battling it for a year now.

sigh.. miss mumble.

May 2007 - December 2008

hmm, other 'updation'...

nothing drastic so far.

i miss life as a freeloader.

i miss receiving money instead of giving money.

and i'm bored.

sigh...

i'm out,

littraven..

`trust.

trust is like a heavy word with huge responsibility.

trust is between two persons believing.

trust might not be love as you define it.

or trust is just a character or word you cannot fathom.

mistrust. isn't that just a total opposite..

misplace the trust i once had.

yet i still trust.

and.. i still don't get it.. why.

absence.

2008-11-23T22:22:00.002+08:00

it's been awhile since i have typed something.
maybe due to inconvenience of a thing.

or maybe, i've master an art of burial.

burial in the heart.

it's feel so great typing out something at last.
and yet, it's not that satisfying to have it all out..
without creating insinuating remarks.

i've been well and live is about the same every day.
life goes on and i'm still breathing.

maybe someday, i can let it all out and breathe properly.
maybe i can be so ignorant without injuring other part of the brain.
maybe for once, i want to be selfish and care for myself.
like my fav phrase, don't know, don't care.
but.. well, what else but the famous and infamous 'but'.

they say it takes two hands to clap.
but it takes one hand to do the damage.
and yet again, two hands to argue.
and yet again and again, one hands to compromise and give way.

well, i may babbling nonsensical thoughts.
and words seem to jumble out of the way..
where it doesn't make any logic sense.
i can't spell out that seem right.
my spelling is too good to be true.
i hate assumptions and..
yet assumption seem to be the only guest i'm always inviting.

it's feel so terrific that i haven't lost my inspiration to 'thought' it out.
yet, it feel so empty and 'unachieving' to have no one decipher it.

it such a wonder how my brain can continue thinking without any qualm(s).

no point in pointing to the right directions..
for all i get is misdirections.
all blames pointed towards the directory.

i'll get questions. you'll see.
and you'll get no answer.
as there isn't one.

i do what i want.
i speak what i want.
i think whenever i thought about it.

and when you're done reading,
i'm betting you're assuming it's you i'm typing about.

ain't it? well, the answer you'll get is maybe... human nature.. duh!

aren't thoughts and words goes along well.. pretty well??

cheers,
littraven.

well..

2008-09-19T16:12:00.002+08:00

it's already September and i have not updated my blog for nearly 3 mths.
heh..

so much had happened.
i don't really know how to type it all out.

but i guessed, i'll just have to type out incident that had huge impact on me..

to shir, my boyfriend of 22 months..
i had never and will never blame you for 16 Sept incident.
i know it will never be easy for you to cope with emotions and all..
but i'm here for you. i won't be able to understand how you felt..
but i will help you get over it.

i love you. now and always.

hugs and kisses,
your sweetness. =)

p.s i miss you. a whole lot of you.

speechless.

2008-06-13T16:16:00.003+08:00

i was wondering how should i start this entry.
but i guess no matter what word i use to start it,
it will still not reveal my real emotions.

i thought i'm free from being emotional.
but i nvr realise it never left me.

maybe everything became too much for me to handle.
and i can't take it anymore.

i can't.
i really don't know who cared anymore.
i really don't know who i can trust.
i really don't know who to turn to.

it's so sad when everyone in your life just happened to turn against you.
accusing you for hurting them,
accusing you for not helping them,
accusing you for not maturing enough.

why. why is it i took their comment so harshly?
because no one ever ask me how i felt.
what i'm thinking abt.
it's my fatal mistake for confiding in wrong person.
it's my fatal mistake for letting go people who are right for me.

they just open up their mouth so damn easily.
and throw out whatever they are feeling and thinking.

goddamnit.
why can't i just do the same like them.
why people always misunderstood me.

this time..
i'm really tired.
i'm really not okay.
my fault. my fault for being who i am.

yea, i'm not young anymore.
i geddit.

thank you.
at least now, i know..

"it doesn't matter how i am like.
people still do the judging.."

well, i'm fine now.

many in a month

2008-05-26T13:33:00.004+08:00

heh.. i will and shall update.

in the month of May, the month of my birthday..
so many wonderful things happened.

i mean for one, money keep coming in.

i'm so blessed.

two, it's my birthday and i celebrated with FOUR cakes.

people around me simply know how much i adore cakes.

well, first cake was celebrated on 1st May

when me and my two babes from work went to Dbl O. and then there was this necklace.

second was my whole company.

(ouh ya, imagine the embarrassment i got when thirty colleagues from diff dept sang

HAPPY birthday to me..)

third cake was from my lovely vivien from accts.

she gave me a bookmark cause i lamely just take any scrap paper to mark my book.

(alright, my eyes was swollen at dat time)

lastly, sweets.... my family.

my dad gave me money (and of course, the rest of my family just 'tumpang' the present)

my mom bought a cake..

and my boyfriend treat me to swensen's with a candle. ha ha.

right.. dat's all on my birthday.

and work, work was alright.

me and babes felt so high school when we got shouted by our manager.

imagine the freaking look on our face.

heh.

that's all i can update so far. the rest..

hmm.. let it be.

till den.

`tomorrow,

happy birthday chocolate chip.'

relax, take it easy.

2008-04-22T22:49:00.003+08:00

times turned out to be a running freak.
i have lost tracked of time, that i have no time for myself.
i have indulged in a habit of fantasizing.
i have buried and still burying myself with work.
it's a form of escape where i let myself loose.

when words are too difficult to fathom..
isn't it the easy way to beat around the bush?

meeting someone connected to you make my heart skipped a beat.
what's more, i kept on yearning for you in another world..
where it's indefinite to meet..
no, i'm not losing myself.
just that sometimes, reminiscing took control..
and i lost it.

so, there's another you.
though ending words was there..
i never felt satisfied.
for i kept on wondering what would happened if things were to turn the other way round.
what if? and still keep on pondering.

i'm full of thoughts and full of words. (some would add full of shite)
i love beating around the bush..
because direct words won't get into your head.
because direct words keep you misunderstanding me.
because assumptions are better than the truth.

well, i'm still thinking.. and i'm still young.
the future holds many possibilities for me to change my mind.
but i realised, i lost my old self where i used to take risk..
but now, i rather play safe and stick for what realistic are meant.

yea, i know i'm such a stupid nonsense who gibbers nothing than meaningless words.
because for once, i knew i lost someone who used to understand any of my words.
i knew i can count on someone to decipher my words.

yes, i still find it hard to open up..
after so many decades.

simply because,
i kept on losing someone that understands me inside out.

=) i'm fine, by the way.
thank you.

let's talk normal, alright.

2008-03-29T00:06:00.005+08:00

i am going back to basic.. wearing glasses.
and my sister is one month pregnant.
woo hoo.. i am having another little cousin..
heh.

obviously i gobbled these up as soon as my eyes caught these delicious cakes.
it was a buffet, what you expect?!
colourful cakes + littraven = happy me!!!
=DDDD

and once again, i am blessed.
finally, i was granted a permanent job.
yippee.

about my crush, it went away..
eventually.. it's just a silly crush..

alright, enough abt my normal point of life.

shall continue soon..
miss you, my darling girlfriends..

inspired on a thoughts. (no assumptions pls)
that day i was a coward asking a beloved one for a favour.
i was given a reaction that brought me to the past.
i do.. and i really do miss them. alot.
and it hurts. but it doesn't matter anymore.
not to them, especially.

sometimes, when it come to a point of nowhere,
you just have no regards for it.
because things happened and repeated.
and when that happened, you lack the reaction required.
because you know how it'll sound, and how it'll ended.
maybe it is part and parcel of the ongoing thing.
maybe it isn't.
but for all i know, things changed.
when it changed, there's no knowing when to turn back.
you can never expect my reaction..
for you never really understands me.
no, i'm never blaming you. because it isn't your fault.
at all.

cheers,
littraven.
(i'm exhausted,
and i still need someone to play mind games with me)

school days. over.

2008-03-02T21:45:00.002+08:00

i am just hoping for one thing.
that i get a permanent job.
finding the perfect job is damn impossible.
so, please grant me the job. please. puh-lease!

i am back to the old days during secondary school.
and the feeling is utterly nerve-wrecking.
however age does not seem to matter.
be it in teens or going into adulthood..
i still feel the same way.
but i guess age do play a part.
we are just wiser a bit in deciding our feeling.

alright, confession.

i am having a crush.
and i am attached.
sorry my boyfriend.

things doesn't get any ''stupidier''...
does it?
how on earth did the feeling came..
i am still wondering.
damn it laa.

i just need to get it out of my system.
and the crush will shoo away.
(i bloody hope so)

shuddup already.
before someone so sad.

wrong instincts.

2008-02-27T16:04:00.002+08:00

a girl is allowed to be frickle minded.

and that's me. heh. so, the previous entry..

is totally out of point.

with colleagues.

angels in disguise.

_________________

heh. work has been fine.

i have already lost my inspiration to write.

hence, i won't be updating this blog every now and then.

but dearies, i will still read up your blogs.. so do update.

when i find sth to write, i will update okies.

till den, miss me like i miss you.

remember me like i always remember.

to forget is refusing to think about it.

to remember is allowing thoughts to wander.

cheers.

i'm still holding on.

2008-02-11T14:48:00.000+08:00

this entry will set so-funny laughing her ass off.

first day of work was slack, relaxing..
cause the manager's off..
and my senior(let's call her snr) is a cool lady..
super cool and fun! okie, yay me..
but on the second day..
guess what?!!

since snr half day, and me full day..
i gotta continue working with a..

MINAH rep (i dunno how the hell to spell that.. )
what the f*ck!!!
of all in the badness of life or stupidity or suayness or damness..
i gotta and must work with such person.
(i mean no offence.. just that i'm not in favour of her type)
damn it. snr and another senior (er, called her ops) were concerned abt me..
heh.

gosh gosh. so the story went on..
minah rep (mr) came in and totally treated me as if i was invisble (fine)
then, i went to sit with snr and ops and another colleague guy..
snr asked me, have you talk to mr?
i said, she treated me as if i'm invisible..
snr said, sigh, wanna scold but useless..
then i went to toilet and came back..
snr said to mr, have you met the new girl?, say hi la..
then mr said (with sarcasm and disinterest), hi i'm mr, i'm (age), i studied at (sch)
blah blah.. i just said ouh okie.

then after snr and ops went off.. i'm pathetically left with her.
for four bloody hours.. (which really really seem like four YEARS!!!)

okie i'm exaggerating. so the rest of the hour..
you can imagine how torturous and suffering i was..
pity me please.

but but.. she was okie. she taught me abt the duties.
afterall.. she's human.
just dat, she mr. no offence yet again.

then after work, i dropped by at shir's wkplace.. cause i'm hungry.
and throughout the night, i kept on whining abt mr.
i swear i said mr abt thousands time.

sigh.. i got abt 3 more mths to suffer..
sob sob.

so, sis.. laugh your butt out.. (i'll meet you soon and tell you in details kk)

cheers.. =))

deja vu.

2008-02-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

hmm, let's talk abt deja vu.
things that happened, happened again.

today i went for work.
and heard my colleagues talking abt the topic..
resignation.. sigh. and sian.

my first job..
a few of my colleagues and employer resign.
my second job..
my manager and two of my colleagues and me resign.
and now..
my third job..
again, talking about resignation..
gosh.

am i a work jinx or wad..?

nah.. i'm enjoying my job.. hard but relaxing. doh`.

cheers to life.

`letter for special someone.
in my whole life, i am so ever grateful to you.
because you are so sensible that you make my life a little easy.
you may be young but you know the right way to do it..
you left me by saying goodbye as your final saying.
although it's not face to face..
i thanked you for giving the assurance that we are over..
with your goodbye. because you made moving on so easy.
athough it hurts (alot), i have no choice but to respect your decision.
because you don't deserve the way i'm treating you.
up till now, i am still missing you..
remembering the way we used to hang out and laugh.
the time when we stare at the stars and get blinded by lamp post.
watching you play the guitar and pouring coke all over you.
remembering the time you sent me home and accompany me eat dinner.
remembering everything..
i know it's useless typing this rubbish. and you don't give a damn.
but i miss you terribly. i can no longer bear the missingness.
so, the only solution is to let it all out here.
just so you know, ...
o o o

there, all out. much better..
short and sweet.
no use typing long story. =D

ta da.

2008-01-30T20:36:00.000+08:00

my delicious squishy pompets, dumble and mumble white.

(p.s my boyfriend is envy of dumble, cause he's a male..

they're ouh-sinfully-adoraablee!)

i am a happy girl..

i got my diploma result..

and i passed everything!!

woo hoo.. another waiting solved.

now, gotta actively find job..

cause i got a long list of things i want..

(well, girls create long lists, right? and i don't wanna work!!!)

apart from that.. there's nothing else to update.

i got a feeling this year is better than last year..

except the working part later in the year..

i guess i am emotionally stable for now.

i'm blessed afterall.

`sometime stagnant water breeds danger..

for other time, it just means simply.

anyone willing to sponsor my studies?!

carry on typing.

2008-01-11T22:46:00.000+08:00

another year had past.
another chapter unfolding itself.
no one had control over life.

i have this huge worry that scares me to death.
but there's nothing i can do.
nobody listens anymore..
cause i am just a little whiner.
that worry non stop and unneccessarily.

but it would be different if you're the one facing it.. won't you?
try living in constant worry and feeling lost..
how'd you like that, huh?

everytime the images blurred..
i just broke down.. what else can i do?

`you don't have to care..
just listen.. i'm not asking for more.
i'm not even asking for you to open your damn mouth.
but the expression on your face.. explain it all.

tell me your dreams.

2007-12-20T20:28:00.000+08:00

like it had always been,
strangers in the night, face harsh reality in the light of day.

`sometimes. it's nice not to wake up afterall.

afterall the dreams.

cake box.

2007-12-07T23:21:00.000+08:00

i'm getting better, i think.
it's time to suck nicotine again..

i've been watching a drama.
and they are always buying cake in the drama.
the cake box reminds me of someone very dear.
and suddenly, the missingness swept over me.

oh dear.. what am i gonna do??

like i had never had enough hurt inflicted by him..
and yet, i had to miss him..
reminding me how times and again he left..

just because he couldn't control his own emotions..

i'm not being fair to him..
and i guessed as much..
being unfair to me.. is just his way of getting back at me..

i don't need cake boxes to remind me of him..
i don't need the memories to miss him..

sometimes.. i'm confused..
whether to just hate him or simply pretend nothing happened.

unfortunately, i'm not heartless..
the things he done, the sacrifices and the love..
are just overbearing for me to forget and let it be.

neither do i want to miss him..

`we are strangers.

..you made us that. remember?

i'm good. i just had life all over again.
without you.

settle or not.

2007-12-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

congratulation to me..
my immune system is down AGAIN..
like the fifth time this year.
and it is so so troublesome.
alright someone gonna scold me for smoking too much.

so, i'm working part time during the marathon.
worked at suntec convention centre, airport and raffles the plaza.
sighhh.
working fine but tiring.
tired of smiling and being so super friendly.

and ya, gorgeous gorgeous causcasians.

recruit express called me.
helping me to find a job.. yay!
so, i'm gonna be down for interview tmr..
and i'd done some shopping last saturday.
with daddy's money.. gosh, i love daddy`
*winks.

i had lunch with dearest so funny.
although just a one hour met up.. but it's relaxing..
she's a chill babe.
ha. (sis, pay me for adverstising you!!) heh

tmr last day of working.. then off to interview..
and i'm chill during the rest of the week..

okie.. that's all..
my entry for tonight is a boredom.
cause all emotion sucked up by my sickness...

cheers people. =D

``a year past, haven't you notice??

las t ti me.

2007-11-20T20:16:00.000+08:00

finally done with sch. (not really, though)

back to my freeloading ways.
novels, arts, movies, sleep and games.

sha called me that day..
and i got a job!
nah, just a part time during the marathon period.

and soon it's gonna be a year passed.
just a year ago.. a familiar face was refreshed.
my mind kept refreshing the memories we had.
it's seem like yesterday.
one year. and nothing you said came up.

thank you.
____________________________________

words for thoughts.
it doesn't matter how it end.
but it's matter when there's no ending.
it just left hanging without goodbye.
it either a meaningless or meaningful glances.

it no longer matter how i treated you.
no longer matter how umimportant you are.
no longer matter your looks fade. or ur voice unheard.

but everything refreshed like a click on the mouse.
i have no idea where i am going with our memories.
i wish i'm like you, move on and letting go long ago.

but wishful thinking doesn't really come alive.

yea, back to square one.
i'm still trying.
appreciate that, at least.

`why i even bother to live in the shadow..

over it

2007-11-11T00:11:00.000+08:00

yippee.
exams are over.
however, there are bound to have re-takes..
due to my short-cutting exam tips. heh.

and mumble is getting better.
her lump is nearly dried.

yay.
but all good things always come with bad things.

such as, waiting for results.
finding JOB.

sigh sigh sigh.

=)
if money doesn't buy happiness,
why do we need money?
ponder and wonder alrights.

`my source in happiness is finding wealth that's satisfy.

i stand alone.

2007-11-05T22:34:00.000+08:00

i am still mugging.
with a mug of coffee.
and it doesn't seem to work, short cutting exam tips.
oh well, i am screwed.

all i need is a miracle to pass all my exams.
or money to re-take them.
which is so... argh argh argh..
&#$%&*#@!!

and then, and then.. i need to find job.
oh crap.
i dun wanna work. please?

and mumble is sick. with lump huge like a fishball.
but in red and hard boiled.

so, i whined alot.
i am practically a gone case with no life.

someone bring me out.

=D let's have high hopes. or not.

common stuff

2007-10-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

for once, let me type about random sutff in my life..

tmr is hari raya.
i am not that excited.
i guessed because i am getting older.
i am just looking forward to the cookies and the food.
and i have no idea why i am typing like an english freak.
and my freaking new slippers is one size small..
and it's frustrating. screwed the damn shlippers!

i'm bored. to death.
apart from that, i am lazy.
lazy to read novel, lazy to watch simpsons,
lazy to upload photos i've taken,
lazy to eat. and lazy to bathe.

heh.

after that.. my assigments are all done..
i got two As.. yay.. and other two, i dunno..
cause i'm absent.
time for examinations and revisions again.
sian.. but it's the final lap..
still waiting for roy to give me the marketing exam tip.
damn, i failed it.. argh.

can i type anything bore?
hmm.. mumble's fingernails is as long as a witch..
and dumble suddenly had an ear piercing..
i loves my creatures..
shall upload their photos soon..
because they are adhorable. (with cute accent)

i've been broke almost every month.
i can't wait to work at the same time dreaded it..
me + working = commiting suicide.
i can never work.. even if i did..
my enthu will last less than 3 months.
someone please find me a generous rich husband..
that let me spend his money willingly..
love me so that he'll let me spend his money
and lastly, er.. expect nth from me?
heh.. okie, the more boredom i typed,
the more crap it came out.

oh ya.. i can't really depend on daddy's salary..
cause he's got a very tight stingy spendthrift biased
wife that would go into spasm if asked for more money.
ya,i am unfilial.. i'm just a lazy ass who dun wanna work wad.
told you, more crap coming up.
sigh..

i shall end. at least for now.

so long.
(sth's exagerated.. it's only words..
let it off your judgments, can?)

learning the dreams.

2007-09-18T13:46:00.000+08:00

`all the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.'

i have learnt that in life..
everything is once..
either you cherished it or ignored it,
it doesn't matter..
it will just end..

other times..
you feel the regrets or the satisfaction..
or other times,
you let it go and hold on to it.

i've been having major problems of letting go and holding on..
since god knows when..

and at last.. i reasoned with myself.
i could let go because it's bugging me..
and serve no purpose in holding it on..

i could hold on to it..
but i'm just being hopeless.

my conclusion?
holding on..
because if i were to let go..
it is completely lost..
nothing can get it back..
but if i hold on to it..
it's just a fraction of memories..
no harm remembering it..
maybe in times will come..
it will still fades..
thus.. losing it too..

so, why let go when i still can hold..
and, i'll let go when i can no longer hold on to it..
anymore.

there.
i've said my piece.
to what im holding on or letting go..
still remains in my heart..
because i'm just hopelessly hopeful.

`moving on isn't the same, is it?

refraining.

2007-08-15T14:13:00.000+08:00

i refrained myself from typing or writing my thoughts..
simply because..
i knew every words would conjured up a yearning for someone.

eventhough, time and again..
i told myself that i've let him go..
i know for sure..
i will never be able to stop missing him.

i have indulge myself in a common relationship..
where everything is typical.
tasting how it works really is distasteful.
it contradicts how i enjoy and love it..
yet at the same time.. how i loathe it.

it made me a whole lot of different person..
it made me forget the simplicity of me..
and how the love i had before
was simple yet lasting.

the contradicting myself with the thoughts and the actions..
never ending maybe.

something just holds out a whole lot of
different perception.

i miss myself as much as i miss a someone.

facing my music, already.
when will it stop?

la and lalala.

2007-07-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

i'm bored and screwed.
up till now, i know nuts about my economics..
and my marketing is definitely screwed..
because not one qn i ansed is right.. due to my findings.
haiyeeeeeee..

skip the exam part.
talking abt it remind me how deeper shit i am in..

in short..
let's forget what i am about to type..
i rather let myself in deeper shit..
by playing my cutest outdated game..
worms.. yummy..

yucks.

(no amt of saying i'm in deep shit gonna make me an expert in economics..
or miracly my ansed in marketing are marvellous..
you see.. these exams are impt...
oh crap.. im babbling it again..
i'm worried.. deeply..)

ARGH!

`mssngyoustll.

nevertheless.

2007-07-02T11:51:00.000+08:00

maybe i'm bored, maybe i dunno..
but sometimes, out with you can really dread my day.
it's not that i'm not enjoying your accompany..
it's just that the momentum is wrong.
you're always rushing to meet..
and dragging to end it..

sometimes, it makes me wonder..
aren't you bored?
even if love is in the vicinity..
but are you still not bored?

it's weird but it's true..
it's not that i dun wanna spend time with you..
i just looovveee being at home..
it's not that you're boring..
maybe you are just wad you are..

`yea.. maybe i might be the one that's boring..
maybe it was never you..

who knew, actually.
i don't.

why wonder?

2007-06-25T00:51:00.000+08:00

if i had known,
i wouldn't shed a tear for you at all..
because it's not worth it.

`don't say you love me..
because you clearly don't..

- i hate you.

vengeance is sweet..

2007-06-13T23:26:00.000+08:00

should i finally move on from 13th March 2005?
because the person that cause my deepest misery on that date..
finally got what she deserved..(i think)
and because my heart suddenly feel light after finding out..

December has turned cold with a vengeance.

like they say, revenge is sweet..
i dun even have to do it...
all i am counting for is... RETRIBUTION..
and all thanks to her ex-boyfriend..
well, what she did to me two years back..
finally happened to her..
karma simply work wonders..
yea.. i am feeling so good..
i am so delighted that i could open a bottle..
yea, i'm simply building my happiness on her misery..

yea, i have not let it go.. maybe until now.
that night.. the hurt inflicted on me was so deep..
because not only her, it was someone i love..
inflicted the pain..
and on the same night, they found each other..
how i felt that day was not jealousy or cheated..
i simply felt..
how could someone could possibly be so heartless and desperate?
breaking up with someone and being with someone else..
on the same bloody night..
it is just an hour and the half to midnight..

after so long.. i finally type it down..
because of that night, it changed me..
because of that night, i foolishly turn to smoking for solace..
because of that night, i lost someone i love very much..

but because of that night too.. i learnt..
hatred can defend you against being hurt..
yea.. i learnt to brew hatred in me for someone..
unfortunately, that someone always happened to be my loved ones..

simply because..
it's your loved ones that always..
inflicted the deepest hurt in you.

`idon'twantyourconcern..
idon'twantyourcomment..
i don'twantyourcritics..
idon'twantanythingfromyouatall..
cause...
idon'tgiveadamnaboutitanymore..
(yea, maybe i heard him shouting that phrase)

there's it..

2007-06-10T01:23:00.000+08:00

sometimes i didn't realised it was tainted..
but when someone mentioned it..
it got me jolted back to my background.

somehow it is easy to confide to someone distant..
it's like talking to a wall..
but a person at least have reaction,
and just listen..

i really dunno anything..
sometimes it hurts,
sometimes it's frustrating
and sometimes..
i find solace in it..

"suddenly letting go of you...
seem a fear to me..
i feel the panic rush in me...
because i realised..

your face have faded in my mind..
your voice no longer echoed..

maybe i dun wan let go of you..
maybe it's not time..
but somehow,
i find solace in remembering you..

suck the nicotine as i remembered.

do it.

2007-06-05T23:15:00.000+08:00

it seem that we love playing indirect communication.

"because we never really had a closure.."

bless me.

2007-05-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

i smell fresh air..
finally.

so, i decided to look things in a different way..
instead of getting sick and tired..
i'll find it a burden relief..
dat's much more better..

i feel fresh air..
i noe wad i am feeling..
and dere's no denial in it..
i'm feeling sth brewing..

the air finally got into me..
and i handled it just lyk last time..
so, i am relieve..
the burden is gone..

oh ya.. in case you're wondering..
you're not the only damn person dat can be hurt..
damn you.. im hurt but.. hey..
i dun give a damn abt it anymore..
why shud i when u dun?
damn, i miss that phrase..

here's to you.. and here's to me..
best of friends, we'll always be..
but if ever we should disagree.
to HECK with you and
CHEERS to me..

`yakkity yakkity yak. =D

final blow.

2007-05-20T00:18:00.001+08:00

so what you love me wholeheartedly and unconditionally?
eventhough i cherish it and sincerely accept it,
it made me lost someone dear to me.
yet, that losing part you don't understand..

i can no longer bear to hurt someone that loves me so much..
yet, you still made me bear..
simply because you love me so much that it is unbearable for you,
if you lost me, isn't it?

now that i lost him already..
i'll stay by your side like you asked me..
not because i pity you like your assumption..
but because of your words "be strong and make sacrifices"..
i rather hurt myself and losing someone i find joy in than hurting you..
it's worth it, don't you think darling?
i am sincere.. and that's the choice i made.
because i'm worn out trying very hard to find peace..
either way, i am hurting anyone.

dere, i lashed it all out.
nah, it doesn't matter to elaborate more
because you won't understand..
no matter how happy i am with you..
no matter how much we shared..
no matter how ideal you are..
no matter what ever...
when it comes to feelings of the heart..
i'm letting you down..
and you knew it.

p.s to the one i lost...
i respect your decision.. because i've hurt you enough..
if by letting go, you can be happy..
then i rather you'd let go..
i want you to be happy as well..
=)

the second you sleep.

2007-04-29T23:18:00.000+08:00

littraven..
it feels so good remembering the memories..

=) shall i try?
maybe..

`i am willing to hear..
be it wrong..
i wanna hear.. and understand.
don't doubt me.
you're still part of my heart..
really.

blurted out.

2007-04-27T00:38:00.000+08:00

it seem soothing to keep on typing my thots out..
it's been a long time since i keep on updating my blog frequently.
but this entry.. is just purely sth that i blurted out..
not the whole thing.. but at least i blurted it out.

is it worth it..
it may not be.. but that's how i felt.

if you're reading.. feel a pinch..
i'm worn out. you're slipping away.
and i always have to hurt him by mentioning you..
alot alot and everytime..
i actually forget how you look like.
and i noe i might as well let it go..
but i DON'T want.
ya, it's my problem..
but at least help me..
help me move on like you did..
or keep in touch like you promise.
where are you?

in the night.. the darkest hour..
i find solace and comfort thinking abt you..
he may be perfect and everything i wanted in a guy..
but it's you that had always understood me..
tears keep on falling each time i'm reminiscing.
it hurts, it's cruel.. but i got myself to blame only.

it's the littlest things that take me there..
it's sound lame but it's so true..
i know it's not right to him but it's unfair..
that things are reminding me of you..
sometimes i really wish.. we can just pretend..
even it's just for one weekend..

then i guess.. i will just stick to my plan..
be it whatever cost..

i really miss you badly.
do you understand the meaning of missing?

i'm just whining..

boo hoo..

2007-04-24T17:22:00.000+08:00

why do i have to sign in using my email everytime in blogger?
it's so freakishly freakingly long..
uughh..

i'm sick.. again..
twice in a month.
fantastically wonderful!

no, no one likes being sick.. unless you're schooling or working.
and me.. neither.. i'm having a break..
and i am sick..
not at all.. FUN!

my throat is like exploding..
my body aches like i'm an old ah ma..
and my eyes sore like a gold fish.

damn, i'm SICK!

doctor, i need doctor..

waaaaaaa.. this sucks

48573929475688493746 times.

crap.

yea right..

2007-04-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

hmm, it had been ages since my volcano erupted..
and rambled angrily in this blog..
abt someone who doesn't noe how to appreciate
someone's PRIVACY..

first of all,
congrats to YOU for making me a fool
by tagging as someone i thot as my sister..
secondly, i know blogging is sth anyone can comment on and read..
i'm alright with that.. rgdless of any comment..
thirdly, my blog is my personal thots..
which means you, not a mind reader, can have assumptions but dat doesn't give you the right to assume it's the truth!

dun understand?
well, here wad happened..
cake really coincide with us when we went vivo at that time.
(woah, long ago.. but it's still not over due to someone's adding fuel to fire)
you read my blog.. our testimonial.. photos.. yes it may seem cake was with us all along..
but wad u didn't know is dat cake backed out last min due to his d&t commitment. believe it or not.. that's wad happened, really.
we did planned to go out together.. but there were changes..
i can't believe i'm typing this explanation..
but i also can't help it if someone wants to be an informer but doesn't noe how to inform the correct info..

next, (nah, it's not finish.. because i was misunderstood)
for the first time, i heard that there's sth going on between me and cake..
HUH?! i'm the person yet i dunno that..
woah, that's so stupid and outrageous.

seriously, what do you get for adding fuel to their relationships.. it's alright for you to help.. but dun read my blog and then assume this and that..
i have nvr treated cake more than a little brother.. if my words on my blog made you assumed otherwise.. then you ought to noe that you're not me.. my words is not for u to interpret.
come on, do you like to be assumed? no one does.
i'm angry because you blindly take any info you can..
but you're forgetting its not fact you're taking.. it's someone's personal thots.
but i noe you're helping a friend..
but not to the expense of someone's else...

if you misunderstood what i have type.. and thot that i'm shooting you..
well, dun assumed again.. i like to clear things up..
i'm sorry if i'm interfering..
but it's my blog you're reading..

seriously, i would appreciate if you tell me.. if i doubted you.
i dun wanna be involve.. let me type in my blog freely..
without thinking that it's a piece of info to others.

Thank You Very Much..

the past that lives.. on.

2007-04-17T21:33:00.000+08:00

hmm, i have got alot of rambling to go on..
mainly regarding friendship..
(ya..finally skipping love..)

so first up..
i met up with picqu..
we chatted awhile and the topic on previous friends came up..
at first it didn't affect me.. (now too)
but after i thot abt the past situations..
angst build up ard me..
wad the hell did i do in the past to make u, u and u
dislike me? i rmbed being called hypocrite
and i foolishly thot that i am and feel so bad..
later then i realise, it's you who are wrong..
i rmbed not saying a thing abt you..
much less gossip.. oh god.
but hey, i moved on..
but it seem to me..
you, the mistress of all, like influencing ppl..
well, you won.. in ur own game..
CONGRATS!

secondly, my close friend..
my sister who i thot i knew..
she changed..
i would feel bad rambling abt her..
but she really change..
and it's horrifying..
well, let just pray she's fine.. mentally.

alright dat's all.
i had enough rambling..

if someone on the outside knows better..
why can't you, of all ppl, knows the best?

i freaked out during my exam..
and did so shabbily..
dat i didn't even bother to read wad was written..
YAY me!

i'm dere

2007-04-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

i have been good and sick and moodless..
heehee..
and nuts abt words.

hmm, i have done exam notes..
left the marketing..
for the printing, gotta bug shir for it.
hiak hiak hiak.

i am finally dating so funny, cake and choc chip out..
it have been ages since we irritate the hell out of each other..
=D tmr we are gonna have FUN..
finally, can laugh and enjoy.

last few days, my migraine attacked..
and i cried.. wimpy me can't endure the pain..
so i attacked all the paracetemol that i can find..
wahahaha...

i beginning to like my classes..
hee.. making new friends..
and i can so totally click with the gorgeous guy..
lalalalalala

there, an update in my life.
just a brief one.. aye.
cause time past in a blink of an eye..

till den, my back hurts..
(alright, =)..)

"in terms of the past..
you move on..
in terms of unknowingly,
i wondered alot..
i guessed right, only if
we are still playing games..
but you moved on.. try sth else."

as always.

2007-04-01T01:13:00.000+08:00

although years had past..
my thoughts would always fill of you..
sometimes.. it made me realize sth..
a realization that i nvr did in the past..

after all these years..
i wonder.. when will i ever move on
from you?
how did you move on from me?
care to teach me?

i just dunno.

2007-03-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

i know.
by just wad you said..
it touches me.. deeply.
believe me.. i am still feeling bad..
for treating harshly.
and yes.. i did once fall for you..
and believe dat we could had a chance to be together..
but your love, your waiting and your sacrificing...
are too much for me.
i dun deserve that.
so, i rather be a coward and chose a stranger..
and i hurt you deeply.
in a process, i hope you'll let everything passed..

but no.. we had to have a great chemistry..
and you had to send me home everytime..
i've always felt peace and calm with you..
the innocence and just pure laughter.
i'm touched.
for you have always pretended to be strong..
always acting everything is fine..
and pretended that i'm nothing to you.
my action may contradict wad i said..
but aren't yours too?

i will never forget 16 november..
the day you made me cried..
and the day i hurt you..
the hurt in your eyes..
and the angst you showed..
i'm sorry.

i'm just tired of passive guy..
it hurts.
thank you. =)
for everything.

maybe someday, you'll hurt me..
by finding someone..
till then.. i'll cherish you. always.

=) the cookies in my life...

no promises.

2007-03-17T19:17:00.000+08:00

it just kept on repeating..
and i'm getting worn'out.
i guessed it's my punishment huh..

it've been two years now..
yep.. still lamenting it..
still rmbered it..

he got high patience and very good acting skills.
he can covered up his emotions well..
at least in front of me.
and i dunno.. whether is it for my benefit or his?
or he just wanna let go..?
maybe i should not push my luck too far.
let him be..

woah.. and now i'm getting emotional.
living in this family can be a blessing and heartbreak.
i rmbed.. being punish for crimes i did not commit..
having had to understand when i was just very young.
it's so hurtful.. holding back tears..

=)

so, what am i gonna do?

2007-03-03T17:51:00.000+08:00

you know how mommy noes the best in everything?
so when she commented on someone,
does that mean she is right?
because it seem to me, she freaking right.
am i losing it already?

and when i'm with him,
i dun feel the love for him.
is it buried..
is it fading?
or simply,
it was nvr dere to begin with?
who am i lying?
or am i in denial again?
isn't this similar to the unanswered qn
"why i chose to be with him?"

holy crap.
i just realise the previous paragraph is all qns.
god my ouh.
wad was i thinking? (another qn)

i guessed i can nvr make myself
someone im not.
because it's hard.
and i nvr wanna change.
and now, i'm hurting someone.
haven't i had enough of hurting ppl?

sometimes, i wish..
i got some of my sisters' qualities.
the ability to fall in love real hard.
that you're willing to even forgive him
if he cheated on you.

but then again, i am me.
i know who i am..
i don't think i really know what's love.
or mayb i lost the meaning of it.
but i do know one thing..
the feeling i had for bugger is love.
because the agony is simply..
sacrificing.

and how ironic is that..
i feel touched for everything chocolate chip did for me..
and not him.
yet.. i chose him.

who am i kidding?
a retard? i think even a retard is a very kind innocent human.
let me hide in my shell again.

screw myself.
i'm at lost.

applause.

2007-02-24T22:20:00.000+08:00

applaud me for reading a novel in one day..
whee!
haha.. should i happy?
headaches, tired eyes and body strain?
plus.. procrastinating not to do revision..
well, that's not a good thing..

yea, i came across a huge coincidence..
no wonder they say the world is small..
it is indeed..
it goes like this..
i browsed thru my former's bestfriend friendster..
and happen to click one of the testi her friend left for her.
and guess wad?
her friend happened to be my close friend during primary sch.
how ironic?
enought said abt dat.. bla bla bla..
came a acoss few pri sch friends too..
great great.

i have been putting on weight or rather fats, like
no one else business..
nah, im not gonna diet, not gonna exercise..
just leave it..
if im destined to be fat.. then let it be.
haha..
alright, i kinda feeling down..
skipped dat.

i'm wondering if someone telling me the truth..
or is he just lying?
because it seem to me, dat he's lying..
and he doesn't convince me well to cover it up..
whether it's true or lies..
it shouldn't bother me right?

for the only one always,
maybe i should make it a point to mention you everytime i update my blog..
ha..
your messages comfort me..
it may be short and casual and random and rarely,
but it comfort me..
because i'm still in touch with you..
and i still remembered you.
time may have past..
things may have changed.
feelings may have fade..
but..
in every season, i know you love me.

nothing said.

2007-02-15T01:09:00.000+08:00

well, i murdered myself for reading her past entries.. during those unfateful period.
and unfortunately, i still feel the pinch and hurt..
and all the ugly scenes that happened washed over my mind.
i wonder how could i landed myself in such state.. pathetic.

sigh. i am still waiting for someone to pull me out from the past.
better still, a tight slap.
but i noe it won't make a bloody difference.
my guy has still not heal my pain.
maybe because i tend to talk alot abt bugger.
and always relate the past.
thus leaving him with no chance to heal me.
i can nvr move on..
although i dun feel the hatred anymore..
the qns "how could you do this to me" still occurred in my mind.
the inhuman in them.

i should have never read her past entries at all..

knowing, i am still affected.

`if time i ever needed, i would be healed by now.
but deep down, i knew wad i needed..
you weren't here. you left.

vomit blood.

2007-02-11T01:11:00.000+08:00

so i had a boyfriend that can make me vomit blood.
no, i still have him as my boyfriend.

chicken is going for a long attachment..
and i am soo gonna miss her loads.

old man finally contacted me..
yay!! and we are meeting up soon.

i am still having trouble with myself.
alright.. that shouldn't be an issue since it is never changing.

i am schooling..
a subject can make me vomit blood.
and ya, one of my classmates is a hunk.
`drooling..
ha.

so much for brief update..
heh.
i miss bugger.. still. and very much.

oh ya, i've learnt your passiveness quite well.
should congratulate me.

and thank you chocolate chip..
for never failing to send me home.
you are always sweets.

like i said, i am blessed.

`iamselfish.
becauseiamalwaysthinkingofyou..
itendtotalkaboutyoualot..
especiallytoaguythatlovesme.

i tried loving green to rmb you..
i learnt your passiveness to remind me of you..
i hold on to one promise to think of you..
but i am worn out of you..
too worn out..
that i am scared to forget you..
because i had lost the image of you in my thots.
..sigh. i can nvr get over you right?

grilled me.

2007-02-04T23:53:00.000+08:00

i was grilled.
and it was tough.
i kept on denying..
knowing it's wrong.
but what am i suppose to do?
haven't i always sacrifice alot?
and now, im getting used to it..
i might as well.. just continue.

i wanna talk.. i wanna speak.. i wanna confide.
i wanna chat.. i wanna tell.. i wanna say..
at least something.
but nobody would have the courteousy to understand.
all matters is they dun get hurt.
because i wanna says sth truthfully.. that might hurt..
at least i tried being honest.
but honestly, can u just listen and understand?
instead of thinking i am just hurting you?
no.. human instinct.

and i nvr expect cake to say..
"if he ever emo again, i'll make sure i destroy your relationship.."
to my defence, "don't worry, i'll be the one to destroy my own relationship.."
because i knew i will.
no.. im not playing with love or treat it like a game.

to be cont'd

sick cycle carousel

2007-02-02T16:26:00.000+08:00

the relationship has taken its toll.
i sensed it.
it's already in the second month of the year.
i am studying.
i kept having stomach problems.
or migraines.
and i am still reluctant to move on from the past.

i have reconciled back with cake and joy.
needless to say, i am happy.
they are still the one to cheer me up..

i am still yearning to go to Norway.
i will keep on yearning. until the day i set foot on the land.
it may sound foolish.
but i've made up my mind.
different people have different perception of life.
just like my own definition of love.
it's different from you, her or him.
maybe.. i will only fall madly in love with someone with the same definition of love..
i found one.. but i lost it.. all.
and yet.. i have not one, but two.. who love me.
thank you.. but feelings can't be forced.
i may love you. but the love is different from how i love my first love.
i tried but i'm tired.

i may be selfish and hurting...
but that's life for you..
just be understanding and keep an open mind..
and you'll move on.
we are different.
you knew it. yet you keep on trying.
i tried all the warnings and hurting.
others thot i'm playing.. and i'm cruel.
but i don't intend too.
it's a mistake i made.
my mistake is not able to ans..
why i chose you?

`well.. barely cover it all. and you're hurt.

littlest things

2007-01-28T14:54:00.000+08:00

`littlest things that takes me there..
i know it sounds lame but it's so true
i know it's not right but it seem unfair
that things are reminding me of you
sometimes i wish we could just pretend
even if it's only for one weekend
so come on, tell me
is this the end?

i dunnoe whether to say you're a liar or simply thought nothing of it.
i kept wondering when and why..
and it seem that i'm tired of it.
maybe one fine day.. when you've decided,
you'll realize that you are late.
maybe then, you'll know..
why i am so eager..
why i really wish to meet you.

until then..
i'll just wash away any thoughts of you.
i have learn the passiveness in you.

=)

new year?

2007-01-03T10:44:00.000+08:00

happy new year to me.
yup, that's all.

no.. sth is bugging me.
alot.
i lost cake. he said good bye.
should i smile abt it?
maybe i just should.. =) there.

my new year celebration ruined by drunk sis.
should i be pissed?
nah.. lots of gorgeous guys come to my aid.
very nice guys.
kinda compensate the shitte night i went thru.
yup, i'm going there again and again.

so what else, little raven?
what else bothers?
deep inside, will you ever tell him what is really in your heart?
will you open up and just screw it?
will you repeat past mistakes over and over again?
it's new year and yet you're not tired abt losing your loved ones.
yet no lessons learnt.
are you really dat numb and ignorant?
i doubt so.
no, this is not what i wanted.

i nvr wanted this misery.

i nvr wanted to lose cake.

`gosh.. it's so hurtful.

unscrewed sth.

2006-12-18T14:40:00.000+08:00

i'm chilling. like hell.
im super bored..
like shit..

can life get any better?

i still miss mumble.
i still miss carrying him and feeding him.
i miss confiding in him with my inner thots.
and sometimes, i do wonder, how does he get lost?

am i a perfect failure dat kept losing her loved ones?
i rmb crying very hard..

to think it all, i hurt someone.
chocolate chip.
the very reason why i don't want to go any further with him..
is simply 'you're a replica of him'..
the waiting and the love.. and the sacrifices.
once is enough.. i don't wish to hurt him..
because he's innocent.

am i bad?
i dunno.. maybe i am..

and maybe.. im losing cake.. too..

or i already lost him..

and i hate coinciding with little raven.
i hate you..
do i need to coincide with you again to shake me hard dat..
you're gone..?

` i don't need these craps. but they're human , ain't they?

smile.

waiting. like always.

2006-12-12T13:51:00.000+08:00

i just realize my blog skin have no archive.. haha.. i thot of re reading it thru my blog.. guess gotta log in.. den read.. and it was like alot of entries.. for the past 2 yrs.. heh..

woah.. i can't believe it gonna be next yr.. time past in a moment of a click.. sigh..
have my yr been fruitful? haha.. i shall not ans.. heh..
maybe it seem dat i have wasted a yr of idling..
but life is short..
at least right now, i dun have any commitment or responsibility, YET..
yupyup..

on 10 dec.. my life sort of brightened up.. chill with sue.. coincide with chicken, smsed bao bao and met up with faz.. yay yay.. sisterhood in one day..
just wait, on 24 dec, i wanna plan an outing together with sisterhood..
pls god, let it happen..

alright.. maybe for now, i shall take each day slow and easy.. care less abt future?? haha..
can? bleahx..

maybe i shall update or .........
not.

=) cheers?

`waiting . like always
as you like it.. your passiveness.. when will you understand??

and cake, i miss you.. even if you thought otherwise.

like finally.

2006-12-08T17:45:00.000+08:00

so, i finally knew the answer to how i am gonna react when i coincide with bugger..
nah, not just exchanges smiles, not stranger, not hi, not hug, not collapsing or my plan, running away..

i actually broke down.

it's funny because that's wasn't one of my option or it didn't came across my mind to actually break down..

but i actually did just dat.. on 3rd Dec 2006..

need i say more? do i really wanna spell out why i cried?
i dunno.. and i don't wish to know the ans or face the facts..
because i've been comfortably living in denial.. dat i lost all feelings to the truth and reality..
so numb.. so not me..

and because i had to spare a thought to a guy that love me deeply.
i knew it kinda hurt him to know dat i broke down..
because, common sense, it did meant sth when i did dat.

maybe, i should run away.
yep, i am a coward dat does not dare to face anything.
at least i appreciate my life.. ( alright dat's crap.. appreciating life, yet you wanna run away!! somebody slap me!!)

till den..
i think i know what im doin..
at least i think..

p.s seriously i know what's happening.

2006-11-21T11:51:00.000+08:00

right.. wad do i have to say in my life?
the ups or downs?
ha. the funny thing is.. this is the third time i type everything down.. den delete it..
yup.. i have type alot.. but i delete it.. again and again.
wad is it with me?

maybe..
i'm used to keeping it to myself..
dat i forgot to open up and type it out lyk previous entries.

the end.
=)

the wind.

2006-11-14T14:38:00.000+08:00

someone once ask me, why i treasure my freedom so much.. so much so
that im willing to sacrifice certain things?
i'll tell you why..
life is short.. you''ll nvr ever get to know when you're leaving.
freedom to me is sth that make me attain happiness.. in a way.
i was brought up independently.. i was brought with no one controlling me..
and for that, i appreciate my mommy and daddy for giving me that big space and privacy..

lala.. enough abt life.. move on to er.. love.
haha.. yup, finally the word..
it've been a year or so.. since love entered my life.
yes, indeed there's someone special..
but.. uncertainities of me make me wary..
furthermore the past incidents.. made me so numb..
that i'm indifferent to his feelings towards me..

nevertheless im happy with my life.. contented. blessed.
i love the people in my life.. sisterhood, old man.. you name it.. you're in my heart..
im missing you guys alot alot..

the thoughts lingered.
if im leaving soon, will you shed a tear or act ignorance?
your face fades, but memories still stayed on..
my life is widen each day, but some how i felt sorry for you..
for your life is controlled and blinded.. tsk tsk tsk..

` smile.. i love you.

there.

2006-11-08T09:21:00.000+08:00

i'm back from drowning.. heh.
my life is about to twist again.
yep, it's true.. the best will come after the worse..
but.. (yes the word still stay)
being me..
i don't know whether it will last..
uncertainities of me will nvr escape me..

i'm still missing you bugger..

`there's tmr to continue.. i'm eating snake..lol.

sigh..

2006-10-16T17:50:00.000+08:00

everything had clog to my brain already.. oh gosh..
too much emo things happened..
alot alot..
i really can't take it already..
somebody throw me a life buoy..
save me from drowning..

why can't i just open my damn mouth and talk it out???
i hate myself..
i hate mumble for leaving me lost and despair..

i hate myself for being weak..

to be cont'd

i'm lost.. where were you??

drowning..

2006-10-15T14:06:00.000+08:00

help...
i'm drowning..
i can't cope the emotional stress

hate me...

2006-09-09T20:45:00.000+08:00

a letter to nowhere.

please say goodbye before you leave..
i know it's gonna be difficult..
but i rather see the last of you.. than never at all..
i really mean it..
take it as if i'm begging you.

`i don't want to be the last to know..
i will hate you for that.
don't hurt me further.

`little raven.. i shouldn't have hopes at all.

lost

2006-09-02T19:21:00.000+08:00

alright let see.. what's up with my life?
hmm.. first of all.. i have a new love..
my baby mumble... haha.. it's a hamster.. whee..
haha..

hmm.. my room is undergoing renovation..
painting and all..
challenging with my brother.. who's rm nicer..
yup.. there's a wager going on.. haha
i'm gonna win..

right now.. i have set my life straight..
motto..: happiness matters.. no matter what..
lalala..
how i wish.. somehow.. i got alot of things to do..
so that i don't have to work.. if not working..
life's gonna be so dull..
not that my life is sooo dull..
alright.. im talking crap..
simply because im on the guilt conscious.
at my cousin's house..
everyone outside is praying..
i'm de only idiot typing away nonsense..
how cool and RUDE? wahahahahahaha

finally for me..
nah.. nothing i want more..
i've got it all..
love, money, friends, family, education, job..
erm.. personal life.. yup..
there's nth more i want..

miss you loved ones.. love love love..haha..

thoughts..
after so long..
got drunk and spit out what that's left of me..
damn.. to a stranger..
finally.. i live life the way i've always wanna..
no worries.. haha..
one ironic thing..
life's as ignorant is simple.. and happiness..

till den..
hugx..

`old man.. want me to bug you at 3 am for toilet break?
no.. then break the silent... i wanna my coffee thk you..

the end.. nah.. my entry..

=)

coming from de past...

2006-08-19T17:42:00.000+08:00

i told ya this mth gonna be better.. wheeee..
hmm.. so many things to say..
but make it short and sweet..
oh gosh i'm stuck on what to type again..

well, i made a vow not to rmb him..
nonono.. my heart aches..
i miss my manager from bradell..
what can i say.. he's a hunk.

hmm.. i'm enjoying working part time..
woo hoo.. three days off..

but sad to say.. i let down bao xian.. sigh sigh..

i'm dating.. with chicken.. hahaha..
she's still cool as ever.. love her..

last but not least..
i forgot how he looks like..
and my take is that i will run away like a coward if ever we cross path..

i think the rest shall be buried in my head..
i'm still alive though..

thots.. yet again..
sometimes.. i wonder.. and ponder..
and if my instinct is that strong..
i guessed it was meant to be that way..
nvr meant to be or sth..
if i could.. i would.. i dunno if you knew that..
and i know for one..
i will always always love you..
i'm sorry.. but i just can't get rid of you..

littraven.. i knew my phrase were right..
"are you still you or just creature that changed overnight?"

still.. who knew?

maybe.

2006-07-25T20:45:00.000+08:00

well, i guessed it's time i really move on..
haha.. i wish.
nah.. i think i would wanna move on..
holding on makes me worn-out..
but do i wanna let go?
i really dunno..

`little raven..
i nvr thought one day.. the past would come..
i would appreciate it even it happens for a day..
because i know..
you and i.. are just in thoughts.
i knew i can rely on you..
because you're little raven..
the one i mentally holds on to.. for moving on?..
ha..

next mth.. maybe would be better for me..
because.. i'm happy.
well, there might be thoughts of you..
i just hope.. it'll be sth called hatred.

till then..

p.s .. old man.. i MISS you.. and my bbq chicken thk u.. lol.
`mummy.. can we go on a date? heh!!

`hate me today.. hate me tmr..
hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.

oh ya.. perfect stranger is so gorgeous.
i finally talked to cake.. i'm so missing him.

=PpP

a fake coincidence.

2006-07-04T15:49:00.000+08:00

`if someone said three years from now, you'll be long gone..
i stand up and punch them out..
cause they all wrong..

but, they're right..
in the end, it's the punch i felt.

here's what i decide to do with my life..
get enrol in sch.. if not accepted.. screw myself.

but studying ain't going to be easy either.
aargh..

and that day, i really stayed less than an hour.
i should have hardened my heart and not go..
but due to respect.. sigh sigh..
yep, it's over.. everything.
even if i just vent everything out.. i would just feel better..
and tired.. hee.

i was chatting with a friend..
and i realise that certain girlfriends can be damn ridiculous.
it's either they got nth better to do.. or simply 'ridiculous'.
well, it's my opinion.

say, let get done and over with this entry..
to my other world of thoughts..
`i'm easy-going, cheerful lady with a touch of simplicity.. - #$@! puke.
`i'm still amuse at how histrionic you can still be..
`i'm still amuse.
`and maybe finally.. just maybe..
There is no ending to what I'm saying..
because i still lack the ability to express myself..
and please don't break the wall..
i had painfully built ..

and because..
i'm still not done.

`i'm not missing you.

long gone.

2006-06-17T16:43:00.000+08:00

littraven.. i nvr thot this nick would stick with me for years.
it was nvr an intention for my nick.
in fact, there's a story behind.
a meaning of someone's name. little raven.
yep, i'm still missing and thinking of that particular someone.
i was reminded of him because he suddenly return for a second.

i'm finally getting a rest after weeks of working.
i still don't know what to do with life.
i just hope i won't be useless and a burden to someone one day.
a word of whisper.. `escape.

i realised i took up most of my teenage life missing people.
i'm afraid that i'm too tired of missing them that one day, ..
memories are fading slowly and forgotten.
sorry to say, i'm waiting for dat day to come.

heh.. i saw PANDA.. haha.. she is so chio.
`mommy, head don't swollen hor?'

i have grown to become someone dat ..
people can't tell what race i am.
oh boy..
do i look like an alien?
haha.

before i type this entry..
i had alot that i wanted to type it down..
but now, the keyboard infront of me,
the screen staring at me..
i just felt as if my brain was tie in a fisherman knot..
i guess.. i just write it down before i type in this entry..
i'm getting old.. `old man, you got company liao. ha.

`can i don't go? i really don't wish to go..
i'll just stay for an hour.. no more. yes less. ha.
`i can't rmb how you look like.
can you please appear in front of me to let me rmb your face?
i don't want to forget your looks.

if even one day, we were ever to cross path..
and if that dream were to come true..
i wish i'm not too late to turn back..
to catch the last look of you.
for i know, you're slipping of my mind each day pass.

.i just refuse to let go.
.and i finally learn to appreciate the colour green.
but isn't it too late?.

till you read this again..

without.

2006-05-27T01:18:00.000+08:00

so i am here again at last. wahahaha.
i miss alot of dearies.
really alot alot.
i have been coping with life pretty well.
maybe emotional.. abit too unstable..
but, nevertheless.. i'm fine and sort of happy.

miss me? make a date with me..
and i am more than happy and willing to meet you..
haha..

till den..
so long and good night..

"i'm sorry i made used of you without you knowing at all"

`sleeping in my mind.. you.

slow fade.

2006-04-17T17:15:00.000+08:00

perhaps this is gonna be a very long entry.
since i have not updated it in a very long time..
missing in action.. lalala..
i won't be coming online for a very long time.. at least not now.
so if you miss me and need me.. you know where to reach me..
sms and emails.. lalala..

i told panda abt my plan next mth..
hopefully it is a success..
i just wanna escape from everything.

cake, i just merely respected your decision.
if my respond bothers you.. it means sth..
but sometimes letting go is the way out..
still, i care and miss you.. =)

i read an article which means alot..
"what's nice is that you and your friends kept thinking of keeping in touch..
but later then you realise that the slow fade had begun.."
meaningful yet hurting in a way..

how's my life?
haha.. better than yours!
lalala.. =D

i guessed that's all for now..
always rmb dat.. i miss you..
you know who you're.
i'm here if you ever need me...

`here's to you and here's to me..
best of friends we'll always be..
but if ever we do disagrees..
to heck with you.. and cheers to me!!

so long.. and

take care always.

breaking down..

2006-03-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

to hear me cry.. was so unintentionally.
considering the fact that i'm strong and don't easily express myself.
i'm sorry.. i didn't mean to cry.. but what you told me..
really hurts.
i really dunno how to ans your qns.
because i'm really confuse or maybe refuse to ans..
because i'm living in denial.
but thanks alot.. for hearing me cry..
because of you..
dat i finally breaks down.

and maybe, someday.. i wish dat..
if we were to talk abt the same thing..
i won't break down anymore.

happiness is
letting go..
not ~~holding on~~.

because, because, because.. of you.

learn to skip it.

2006-03-27T15:13:00.000+08:00

..being ignorant is so much fun.
you don't get blame.

=D

dere, i've said it.

2006-03-08T00:28:00.000+08:00

maybe i'm sorry.
afterall, it really ~~doesn't matter~~ anymore..
because if it still does.. it IS a cruel joke.
a joke you should learn to laugh about.

`keep denying..
..soon, it's ~~game over~~.

after midnight.

2006-02-27T00:19:00.000+08:00

after midnight.. we vowed not to interfere..
an hour after midnight.. a phone call changes my impression of him.
to think he let down his pride and cried like no man would..
well, after all had been said and done.. too late.

no matter what.. we're keeping the midnight vow.
i rest my case..

"you were not here by my side even it's over..
.. for dat.. it decreases each day"

so long and goodnight..

you wish.

2006-02-23T16:21:00.000+08:00

i'm worn-out. finally.
~~sometimes~~, things just don't work out.

and there's one point of time,
i really need you..
regretfully, there's no more ~~you~~.

indecisive

2006-02-11T14:51:00.000+08:00

the lists of my contradictions..
and it goes on. and on. until i found a solution.
i'm seriously in love with elf's smile, talents, laughter, silliness, cheerfulness..
and blah and blah.. his nerdy looks! gawd` .. ha!
i'm too numb to think..
and to even feel.
i'm confused and lost.
if i were to be a guy, i will summon my courage to woo you and ask for your no.
smiles and glances won't get us anywhere. awww`
if there's affinity, we will meet again.. perfect stranger.
the past washed over me today. the air is still fresh.
the memories replaying in my mind vividly; nostalgic..
so, i have decided to lose any contact with him. and seriously `shit move on.
i'm sleepy.

to conclude my contradictions.
i have too many things going on at once..
i found a solution.
exaggerate my ignorance..
rmb, don't know.. don't care.

p.s i'm away from pc.. miss me and update me with your life... thru sms.
`wink.
till den. good bye.

`one hundred and sixty two more days.. missing you. `boo hoo

piss or bliss.

2006-02-01T13:58:00.000+08:00

seriously, the phrase "forgive and forget" had nvr been really practised right? although forgive.. but i don't really forget it. that is the problem actually. when i tends to rmb that i forgave someone.. it rewind back to what happened and why i forgave that someone.. when the incident jolted back, i felt the animosity inside me raging. thus, i still bear grudges.. and have this feeling call hatred towards the someone. hating someone is not healthy.. but somehow it gave the satisfaction.. the only fools that ought to be forgiven and forgotten is a fool that nvr repeat its mistake.. how logic.. lalala. maybe after all had been done and said... the best way is always this.. let it be.. let it go.. let wadeva.. frustrating huh?

so my point being is..
don't bother to say sorry.. because it won't change anything. at. all.
anyway, sorry is just a five-letter word with two syllabus..

what i said may make me someone that don't deserve to be blamed.. or doesn't make mistake and the only ppl that make mistakes are those ard me..
well.. i can't help it if it was thought that way.
i'm biased; inequity.

maybe, it really takes a very long time to recover from the pain.
because it hurts deeply. so much that it kept replaying in my mind.
for that, maybe i'm permit to hate someone.. over and over again.

"Strangers in the night face harsh realities in the light of day.."

=)

2006-01-27T15:50:00.000+08:00

=) simply me with happiness..
i'm so super duper luper happy!!!
woo hoo!!
very much happy... wahaha..
content. glad. ecstatic. lalalala.

his cheerfulness.

rainbows.

2006-01-20T22:15:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling r a i n b o w.
a mixture of colours that describe my feelings.
someone cheer me up pls.
a truffle cake will do.
i miss cake. badly.

nvm. i guessed cake still angry. or couldn't care less.
blame me.

after mistakes.
no point regretting.
no point fretting, brooding, thinking and worrying.
and no point blaming anyone.
often, human wake up after mistakes.
before mistakes..
they listens and promise and learn.
but do they really practice?
no. only after mistakes shook them real hard..
and wake them up.
but what's the point?
useless..
mistakes already happened.
sometimes i wish i'm in their shoe..
and understand "what were they thinking?"
but.. i love my future, my life and my respect to my mother.
and.. i hate regrets, sins and problems.
i may nvr understand or felt how they feel or undergo.
it' not my right to reprimand them.
it had been done and happened.
maybe my evil side will say.. "serve you right for being (endless negative adj)..
or my good side will say.. "lesson to be learnt"

i'm still feeling rainbow.
i really need truffle cake. or anything chocoholic.
or simply.. let it be..
drown yourself and slp.. tmr will be better. or not.

let's cry.

going on.

2006-01-16T13:38:00.000+08:00

today is the sixteenth of January, two thousands and six.
and today i finally gonna meet
CHICKEN!!!!!!! yayayayayay! cheers.
alright, either i'm lame or boredom is insaning me. yup.. insaning me.
first up, dedication to my dearest 'daughter' ..
no matter how much you are hurt or wounded..
no point bearing the hatred in you.. because
it won't change anything. at. all. the only thing you can do.. is cry.. cry hard. and have a very deep slp. wake up and don't bother to rmb why you cry or rmb ytd. because worthless to rmb it. it's gone. and it won't come back for you. treat it as a lesson to be learnt. everyone suffered at least once.. maybe this year is not for you. there's always better years ahead you.. let say, after you graduate from that sch.. and free from anyone. smile.. because others still care.. especially MEMEMEME! ha. =)
butter leg's schling today.. boo hoo.. sniff`. sob sob. that left me, the only idiot.. FREE. no more companion to pass time with me. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
second up.. is just thoughts.
till den.. and don't ask me why another green blog.

i know sth in me is getting dimmer. the harder i tried to shrug it off, the deeper it became. so tell me sth.. sth out of your specialty attitude. i felt that it's hanging.. at the same time.. it's stagnant. perhaps, the most specific way.. i respect your decision.
why adapt to the character.. when the work is nvr done?
why still bother.. when you chose to ignore..?
if it's your specialty attitude.. i can't help it. it's you.
and what i chose.. is to presume, assume, think and assume. again.
if it's not because of the felt.. i would have long forgotten you just like the rest.
but, that's not the case. it was nvr. i'm sorry.

mixture..

2006-01-07T01:10:00.000+08:00

a little mixture of spices and sweets..
i remembered creating this phrase when i had mixture of feelings and events going thru at once.. the year was 2004.
and right now, i'm experiencing the same thing. but the only difference, human not involved.
`of all things you had to do was to type.. why? gone means gone.. shooo!
`how was the night? regrets? haha.. well, that's a blow for you sweetie.. especially for you.. although i didn't plan to blow your top.. it goes accordingly well.. serve you right! ha.
`i'm sorry i broke my promise to you.. i am really sorry. i didn't mean to lie to you after breaking the promise. it's fine if you're angry or can't be bothered. afterall, i'm numb. thanks for your love.
`everywhere i went, there's bound to be about you, bitch. well, screw you! thankfully, all i heard was pleasant.. all had same point of view as me. salute!
`sorry that i had to lie to mommy.. what you suspect is true, indeed. but you started it first years ago.
`nice nice talking to you.. after so long. cheers.. we gonna hit the ice later!! yay!
`lastly, thk you daddy for keeping you promise.. for restoring my lifestyle what it supposed to be three years ago. if there's another promise i want you to make and keep, promise me nvr to make the family suffered again. don't build hatred in me.. because the hatred i once had caused me my happiness with someone.
alrite.. that's spices and sweets for me..
i can finally have wishlists.
i got what i wanted..
and i am still fulfilling my wishes one by one.
but one wish ain't gonna be easy..

mommy say it's dangerous to give out number in public.. and since i broke my promise.. here goes..
81134751.. after long waiting. =D

thankyouverymuch.
i love me.. and him.

tire.

2005-12-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

let's talk abt nothing.
i called butter leg for updating on our lives.
dummy her.. she's also clueless.
i found an attractive pay job, good shift..
i also found out my worse fear.
i can nvr break free from her, can i?
it sucks when every promises we made not to lose touch, we still did.. we still break it.
no, i am not blaming anyone at all.
i just felt lost.
indeed when typing this.. my mind was full of someone.
somewhat indirectly blaming him.
till now, i don't know whether it's gone or just there stagnantly.
damn, am i not good in knowing my heart?
there's always a but.
indeed i am satisfied and content with my life.
i am not complaining or lamentating.
i just miss alot of my precious friends.
need i list them out? nah.
it's just my heart that matters.

till then, i'm out.

i'm getting my old lifestyle back.
=)

dance, dance

2005-12-24T23:35:00.000+08:00

whee.. changed bkgrd song. lizard using the same song as me previously. hmpf. lol.

i surprise everyone by getting sth.. i shocked everyone by making them realised i do have bones and can move it.. wahaha.. everyone means my family. heh.

that day i got bored.. i create a crossword puzzle using P2 names. it took a while when i finally finished. ha. yupyup.. missing them awfully lots. memories of chalets, bbq, pranks, training and lots more.. keep replaying in my mind.. refreshing. and i tell you while i'm typing this.. tears flow out of sudden. just 20 bunch of names.. but much more precious than 40 bunch of names (my class) .. ppl always say let go of the past..embrace the future.. yes..indeed i will do that.. but there's no way i'm letting go of the past.. alright.. i'm done reminiscing.

my hair took a very long time to grow.. boo hoo.. i watched almost every movie that i had missed.. heheh..movie marathon.

ytd.. i went out with my dearest sis.. i didn't know going out with her was fun and more fun.. my aunt and eld sis often said we both had similar personality.. > introvertness.. whee.. but.. when i'm with her.. she much more talkative. waaaa.. and sometimes i felt pretty bad not talking more.. i went to visit my nephew and niece... so adorable. and this time.. they greeted me straight away without any shyness. growing, i guessed. =)

just for thought..
i may cruel.. and you may be a stranger to me, someday.. and when the day comes.. don't be surprise if i just shrugged it off.. because i had experienced it more than once. not that i had enough.. i just felt that it's better to let it be. this way, you and i can easily move on. fret not, memories of us won't be erased.. just very slowly fades. i extend my apology if it would to happen. i'm sorry.

i guessed no more thoughts. oh ya.. i had a very weird dream.. a dream of me and the girl who traumatized me. strange.. and scary! wahaha.

`wheee!! my whining works!

211205

2005-12-22T00:05:00.000+08:00

this is a pure warning. the person who is typing these is going to lament, whine, complain, whimper, moan and groan. either bear with it and read or tag and leave. heh.

i want a j o b.
no, it's not i NEED a job.
very different. for the difference.. check the dictionary. heh.

desperately wants a job. i'm rotting at hm. i don't want to lose my body shape. don't want to adjust slping time..(currently slping queen slps 2am-2pm) and.. i want to enjoy. good food. pampering and all.. waaaaaaaaa... sobx. sniff`

to dearest so-funny aka butter leg.. sorry if i directly told you that i actually hate your guy. no offence. although you bear no grudges, i felt bad.. really bad. i mean you're my sis.. and i will always support you in wadeva you do except running away from hm.. heh.. but, just wanna tell you that.. eventhough i hate him, i do not have any grudges abt you being with him.. i am happy as you are.. because you have found your happiness. =) CHEERS.. `hooch! hahaha.

job.. anyone offer me a job? reasonable pay and reasonable shift. sigh.

nikiysa.. where's cake? wahaha.. i just miss him. but not as badly as you do.. can nvr beat you to dat.. wahahaha. we better hang out together one day with cake and butterleg.. or else.. you owe me truffle cake.. i mean it. heheh. i miss you too, dearie.

overall. it's not whining huh? it's job complaining. and dedication. wheee... nah. just randomly typing.
alrite.. i'm OUT ..

P.S i WANT a job very DESPERATELY.

assuming.

2005-12-17T01:57:00.000+08:00

every single seconds are bound to change things..
and every single seconds things happened..
but some things changed slowly.. i repeat; s l o w l y..
meaning it or they will still change regardless what..
no such things as no changes.. maybe a few sacred things.. =P
my eyes got me wandering thru the screen..
words were read silently..
as i'm thinking.. i am assuming..
ppl do change..
somehow i wish these ppl are not those whom i am closed with .... once..
but.. they can't be blames..
for instance.. i changed too..
the fact is..
it's scary to know the person you once knew change..
i tell you again.. scary.
indeed i am assuming.. based on my assumptions..
maybe they haven't change..

after so long.. my immune system went down.. out. of. order.
my body gave me a series of sickness...
maybe because i had watched series of charmed.. therefore it backfired.. LOL...
jk.
i found interesting advertisement for job.. especially at pub..
and i tell you.. i am indeed INTERESTED. serious.
it's $10-$15 PER hour. waitressing.
so now, i am advertising. darn.

i haven't find a cure for my slpless night. and i am getting tired..
very tired.
alright. i'm out.

i'm OUT.

the problem of me is with you..

p.s honestly.. what i had written above.. esp. job advertisement.. seem REDUNDANT..
time wasted huh? =P .. =X heh!

happy birthday.

2005-12-15T00:38:00.000+08:00

hmm.. happy birthday to clown fish..
happy birthday to bugger on 16 Dec...
this is the first time not wishing bugger happy birthday.
i felt kinda lost and different. considering that he played a very impt role in my heart, mind and life.
what can i say.. my first love..
cut that out.. it's all history.. probably we may be strangers. if we ever cross path.
qns.. chicken and old man?? no longer blogs?? hello?

have you done anything that is against your conscious? or simply that you had done sth that doesn't give a damn to others' feelings? i don't know.
i realised i am breathing very freely. relaxing and enjoying. admit that my life is kinda no life. but it is free..
free from ppl that make my feelings swings. mind you, my heart is not a swing.. much less a playgrd.
so, till now.. i can breathe freely..
if i can choose, i would choose to be a freeloader.. i know not having money is hard.. but all these while..
i am still happy without money.. except a few wanting that and this.. hey.. i am girl.. girls always want to have things. but other than that.. i am happy. i don't go round making other ppl life difficult.
sigh`. am i lamentating? maybe..

once again.. happy birthday to both guys who have been in my heart.. once.
i can only wish you silently. =)
thank you.

when the stars go blind..
when the rain stops..
and even it means darkness.. and warmth..
i won't let go.. not the memories..
feelings? i'm force to let it go, honey.
sorry.

deep thots.

2005-12-09T23:33:00.000+08:00

the darkness surround her.
curtains cover the beautiful scenery of the night sky.
minimal air that blows to chill her..
almost everything keep racing thru her mind.
in vain, she tried to shrug it off..
song after song played..
that soon would come to a stop..
but.. the thoughts seem to have no ending..
leaving her worn-out.. through the night.

can anyone prescribe me slping pills?? pls.. i'm begging you.
all drowsy painkillers are finishing soon..

seasons changing.

2005-12-05T23:38:00.000+08:00

so, i was rotting at hm. staying at hm is boring. but i have numerous shows on television to occupy me.
i still do not want to change my occupation. heh!
before i start typing a long essay on how boring my life is.. i start with wad i had done recently..
ytd.. i went out with dearie sue.. long time haven't hang out together.. eat.. chat.. walk.. and just relaxing.
a big thank you to sue for treating me. my turn to treat you soon..
i have been keeping in touch with my daughter.. well, again i heard stories.. it was fun.. i enjoy dissing that actress in our story. wahahahahahaha.
again, i had dreamt abt P2.. again, it was always sweet. no matter what happened, this grp of ppl always stay in my heart. i find it comforting thinking abt them. =).. a ray of nostalgic. i miss you guys. `sniffs.
there's someone told me sth abt my behaviour.. i was speechless upon hearing it. simply because i nvr knew what i did.. actually made her think negatively abt me.. and to think that i actually intended in that way. i don't think i'm angry. i'm just speechless. if that's what you think regardless of our friendship, then i had nth to say or to defend myself. i found no use in defending myself because i did nth wrong lyk what you suggested.
i shall leave this entry hanging again. =) ..
to dearest old man, where have you been? it's weird not hearing news from you.. i don't like that. whatever it is, take care always. =)

how i wish my mind is just like where it had came from.. the brain.. just blood and brain juice. and nth else.
similarly.. the felt from the heart.. is just blood pumping. i rather physically and mentally.
but hell no.. it doesn't wk that way.. no no and negative.